Monday Bad Movie Review

I guess even us "mature folks" can get spoiled with how technology has taken over the movies. This past weekend I watched a movie I had not seen in many years --- and after watching now I see why kids today simply cannot watch old movies --- even ones that somehow slip in under the radar and are called "classics" -- or in this case "camp classics" -- like Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea

Every summer in the late 60's I was "shipped" off to sleep-away camp for July and August (actually I looked forward to going). But those summer days were not always bright and sunny for baseball and volleyball. Sometimes it would rain. As a matter of fact many times it would rain --- and for many days in a row. Now this was 1966-69, so there was NO cable television, NO DVDs, NO VCRs, NO iPODs (also no cell phones, no fax machines, no email, no blackberries, no laptops) -- so indoor entertainment consisted of the entire camp watching a movie that most assuredly would be approved by parents of the 60s.

With no DVD player, what the camp had was a 1964 Bell & Howell movie projector -- a noisy contraption that threaded the movie from one reel to another via sprockets. The usually grainy picture was shot onto a white bed sheet (heaven forbid they would buy a screen) in a cavernous (hence echoing) "mess hall". And this camp, like most camps was pretty cheap. So cheap that they only had FIVE movies to show when it rained -- and the same FIVE movies were shown every single year (figuring we would forget by next summer) - as I can recall, there were never any additions to the library. I saw these 5 movies SO many times I can still recite many lines and recall many scenes in detail. The mechanical sounds of the movie being threaded through the projector still echoes in my head like bad Grace Slick song, and I can literally recall every time the film broke.

Here was the ***** line-up

State Fair (the lousy 1962 version) Recollections: Pat Boone and Ann Margret getting hurled around on some ride as the entire camp sings-along to the ever catchy (and easy to remember) "It's A Grand Night for Singing." At some point Tom Ewell serenades a pig. As a 9-year old, I guess I thought that was pretty funny. This was one movie the parents surely didn't have to worry about.


The Guns Of Navarone -- the 2 hour and 40 minute film version of the Alistair McLean novel about large guns that destroy ships. Recollections: the Nazis disrupting a Greek Wedding and Gregory Peck climbing the rocks. The turncoat turns out to be a woman who is killed by another woman - very advanced for the 1960s. Watching it today, you can see it is actually an pretty good flick. But sleep-away camp is filled with 9 and 10 year olds with advanced ADD --- and this movie unfortunately plods along way too slowly. Most of the campers (including myself) are probably fast asleep by the time the guns (that so obviously stick out of a mountain) are blown up by David Niven (who ingeniously ties the bomb to a elevator shaft -- that will only work when the elevator hits the explosive). The world is saved! The burning question even a 10-year old will ask -- why didn't the allies just re-route their ships?

Journey To The Center of the Earth - About as cheesey as a movie can get. It is based on the Jules Verne novel about Professor Lindenbrook and his band of merry adventurers looking for the mystical center of the earth (which we all KNOW is just molten rock). Recollections: Arlene Dahl speaks perfect Icelandic (don't we all?) and the evil guy eats Gertrude the Duck. The adventurers ultimately reach the center of the earth -- which is a giant wind tunnel on a river (it looks like a ride from State Fair) --- and then, after this anti-climatic orgasm of a find, they are tossed to a beach, which (of course) is the lost continent of Atlantis (unfortunately not the Atlantis Hotel in the Bahamas). Our heroes then meet a very nasty giant lizard (which due to the lame special effects is easily recognizable as a lizard you would find in your garden) and must escape the collapsing Atlantis via a giant bowl thats just happens to float over to an entrance to a volanco tube. Bummer as the lizard is fried under the molten lava, but yeah! as the heroes are up pushed up this long volcano tunnel by the molten lava and then explode all over the place. While all of this is a bit of a stretch even for 10 year olds, the girl campers did seem to like it when the uber-Christian Pat Boone ends up naked in a tree with some nuns checking him out. After falling from the tree, Debby Boone's father hides his package from these very old nuns by strategically holding a sheep (you cannot make this shit up). If our parents only knew the sexual references Jules Verne was alluding to. No wonder Pat never ran for office.

Fantastic Voyage - while the girls had shirtless Pat, the boys had Raquel Welch in a tight diver's suit -- the 60's icon to wet dreams. Recollections: Raquel and a bunch of scientists are shrunken to the size of amoebae in order to destroy a blood clot in the brain of some important scientist. The bad guys are those pesky white blood cells who just want to destroy anything that doesn't belong in the body. The heart is a tough obstacle to navigate, but somehow they manage to get through that ventricle - whew!. Finally our heroes, after destroying the clot with miniature ray guns, sense time is running out and cannot make it back to the pick up point. Since growing back to full size inside the comatose scientist would be problematic, they come up with Plan B -- swim to the socket in the corner of the eye and begin SCREAMING to the surgeons standing by. Of course these amoeba-sized med students are heard by the astute physicians and are rescued on a microscope slide. The world is saved. Raquel can go on to make 1,000,000 Years B.C.

Now for the creme de la creme
Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea - One of the most ridiculous science fiction films ever made. The premise is that the Van Allen Radiation belt "catches" fire, causing the earth to heat up quickly (sound familiar??) --- however considering radiation can't catch fire and there is NO oxygen in space this would be problematic to reality -- but who cares when you are 9, orange skies are cool (or hot depending on your point of view). The atomic-powered Seaview, (of which I am positive I had a model that I used in the bathtub), led by the stern and righteous Admiral Nelson (Walter Pigeon) heads for the Pacific Ocean to shoot an atomic bomb straight into the heated Van Allen belt, thus saving the world (If were only that simple for George Bush, tho I have no doubt he would love to be Admiral Nelson firing that bomb anywhere BUT the Van Allen belt).


Even a 9-year old will see this movie is the pantheon of bad acting, asinine dialogue, cardboard characters, and a plot so filled with holes, it would make George Bush's brain look full (well close to full). Here are some of the more stunning moments:

1. The Admiral smokes cigars in the submarine. Nelson is not only a sub commander he is a scientist of the first order. His loyal assistant (Peter Lorre, slumming in this movie) believes the overheating will end if the Seaview sends atomic bombs into the Van Allen belt. Floyd the Barber (from the Andy Griffith Show) plays a clueless Congressman (oh the parallels to the Bush administration are just so much fun to catch) who inspects the Seaview for some reason or another.

2. The UN, headed by some guy that looks exactly like Lenin (Vladimir, not John) believes the fire will burn out and refuses to endorse with the bomb theory. Nelson decides to ignore the UN (again the Bush parallels are quite staggering) which means Nelson and his assistants (including a very young Barbara Eden) must quickly flee the angry UN mob --- and escape via the Seaview. How convenient for Admiral Nelson that the Seaview is parked in the East River right next to the UN. As most New Yorkers will attest to, parking a car is NOT so easy in Manhattan. But if you have an atomic submarine -- NO problem -- as easy as you can say Van Allen Belt fire. I will remember that next time I go vehicle shopping.

3. Eden wiggles her ass through the Seaview and then plants a big wet one on one of the officers. Happens all the time. Officers on nuclear submarines are always getting it on with Jeannie


4. Pigeon has a rough time getting the Seaview to the Pacific Ocean since there is an obstacle literally every 30 seconds. He is chased by an evil UN submarine. He picks up a religious whack-o (more Bush references) floating on an iceberg. There is the standard saboteur on board. The crew rebels when they realize the Earth is frying and they would rather be with their families applying SPF 50. There is a fire on the sub. Communication is rough, so the Seaview taps into an underwater cable to talk to the US Government (Bush had to have seen this movie many, many times). There is not one, but two (very fake looking) octopi that attack the Seaview. The Seaview has to dodge torpedos, avoid rocks and navigate unchartered waters --- but nothing gets in the way of Nelson and his mission (Bush reference #455). All this in the name of saving humanity -- but alas no one understands how hard Nelson's job is (Bush reference #456). The sub eventually (you didn't think it would get there, did you?) makes it to the Marianas Trench and prepares to launch the bomb.


5. The saboteur turns out to be none other than Joan Fontaine, who gives one of the best phoned-in performances in Hollywood history. She is a shrink who just happens to know how to sabotage a nuclear reactor. But Joan gets her come-uppance, as she falls into Peter Lorre's shark tank (thus being some fish's lunch) before she can stop the bombs. (not only was Bush watching, but so was Steve Spielberg - as this had to be his inspiration for Jaws).

6. With all the obstacles out of the way or eaten by sharks, the bomb is launched and the world is saved -- Pigeon, Lorre, Eden and Frankie Avalon (who by the way sings the opening song as if he was serenading Annette in Beach Blanket Bingo) get to sail back to the US and tell those doubting-Thomas scientists "nah nah nah -- we told you so."

Irwin Allen, (of whom the fiery radiation belt was NOT named after) went on to more fame in Hollywood --- making The Towering Inferno and my other personal favorite Under Shelley Winters Ass aka The Poseidon Adventure

But with all the Bush references -- we should really re-name this classic